Train of Thought turns 3

I majorly disassociate from the person I was in 2022. I'm not necessarily ashamed of her; I feel sorry for her, and to be honest, I don't really recognise her. She had fallen into and was working in an industry that wasn't right for her at all, but the emotional validation she was receiving prevented her from looking elsewhere. She was still reading and writing all the time but had no audience. You would never believe that she'd ever used her imagination as a crutch, as a means to survive for decades; she was hardly utilising it at all.

Just because things are going well, doesn't mean they're going right. I left the company I was working for a mere month after I started this blog. It's half the reason I associate the summer time with pain, periods of reflection and remorse and reviewing every mistake and misstep I've made and taken. What ensued was an August of many tears and many interviews - finding a new role was easy enough but the fallout from my previous position was a bitter pill that I've only recently swallowed. I landed a role in a company where I would remain for nine months; the office, the job, the industry and certain colleagues went on to eviscerate me, piece by piece. If people knew the full story — if the curtains were pulled back and it was just a one-on-one conversation — the response would be instant: ‘No. No way. That actually happened to you?’ Whatever you're assuming, I can assure you it was worse. Shortly after I left the company, Train of Thought turned 1.

I'm not retelling the story for sympathy, because I starting writing poetry and verse to escape. Now, thanks to that experience, I can gratefully and tearfully say that I have an audience and that people outside my inner circle read my work. What was and still is an extremely traumatic experience for me was foundational in the beginnings of Train of Thought, which turns 3 today.

I'm as close to happy as I've been in a long time, though I say that with the rush of someone clinging to the edge of a cliff, just a pinkie slipping away from the drop. It's a peace that's laced with vertigo, a mind never free from wondering what would occur if I were allowed to spiral and free fall again. I love working. I love my job. I love my inner circle. I love my family. I love to read and write. I love the smell of the rain on the pavement. I love going to the cinema. I love board game cafes. I love the month of October. I love Christmas. I love lighting candles.

Oh, and also, there was a period of my life where I was drowning. Whilst it doesn't define me, I've used it to kindle the fire I was burning. In the words of Olivia Rodrigo, sometimes the fire you founded doesn't burn the way you expect.

Happy Birthday Train of Thought <3. I can't wait to see what this year holds for us!

Lots of love,

Karisma

xx